Thoughts and Expiriences

As a noted (and sometimes ardent) Solitary I haven't had many
opportunities to participate in any form of group ritual or
celebration.  Recently I had the chance to join in a group
ritual in observance of Samhain.

Prior to the ritual I'd discussed with a fellow Pagan the
nature of Samhain and I'll aknowledge that communing with
the spirits of the past is a highly personal and powerful
situation.  It is also something which should not be
undertaken lightly or potentially by beginers.  But is the
magical nature of these rituals nescessarily the only way to
observe the underlying theme of the holiday?

The answer to this is a definative "no".  Samhain is about
remembering those that have passed just as much as it is
about communicating with them.  While there was a section
of the group ritual designed to allow contact (even at a
limited level) the high point was a segment set aside for
everyone and anyone present to vocally or silently remember
those that passed.

What made this segment especially significant was the nature
of memory.  While I quietly thought of those whom I've known
that have passed, many others in the group were mumbling or
declairing poeple and groups to whom they were greatful.  Many
of them meant nothing to me, being of a personal and often
familial nature, but many more were people and groups who had
a profound effect on my life and that of society in general.

I, for example, like most Americans pay lip service to
"supporting our troops" but in the midst of a ritual of
rememberance they never crossed my mind.  Most likely this is
because I've never personally known someone who has died
while protecting my country and its ideals, but this doesn't
negate their effect on me personally.  It took someone else,
who probably had suffered such a loss, to remind me of the
scope of what Samhain is about.


While it certainly wasn't the concerted ritual of a coven,
I'd imagine that our group ritual was equal to that power and
majesty.  We were strangers who had come together for a
common purpose.  We represented a diversity which no coven,
and certainly no solitary, ritual could hope to match.  Despite
the cold and despite our unfamiliarity I'm confindent that
not a single person in attendance was unmoved, regardless of
their relitive expirience, path or conviction.

For the longest time I was convinced that I was asexual.  Sensuality
interested me greatly but I never have had much of a sex drive.  Even
today I'm not driven to seek out my wife (although I very much enjoy
our intimate time together).

Finally I met a woman with a very active sexuality who was interested
(you could say driven) to share a truly intimate relationship with
me.  After dating for a short while she finally convinced me to have
sex with her.  I felt very little aside from the minor physical
reaction of orgasm. *

I felt drained afterwards.  There had to be more to it then that.  I
went to a friend who had also recently lost her virginity and was
unable to discover a solution to the problem.  More then anything else
I felt like I had lost something I would never be able to get back, and
for no real benefit.

Around the same time I felt a dramatic loss of both power and control
of the personal energy remaining to me.  Given that nothing else in
my life had changed dramatically (well not entirely true but other
events were significantly past that they were clearly not the cause)
I assumed that the loss of my virginity, and associated uniqueness,
was the definitive cause.  As it turns out I was actually right.  To a
degree.

The truth of the matter was that my lack of reaction to something
which, given my age, most of my friends and peers considered one of the
ultimate goals of life had drastically affected my confidence.  While
I was (and am) used to being unusual, I was completely unprepared for
the drastic psychological and emotional distinctions I was viewing when
comparing myself and others of my age.

I realized this while meditating in the small park at college.  The
moment I acknowledged the true problem, rather then attacking my own
self image, I suddenly, and without prompting, formed a casting/ritual
circle.  Not only was the circle easily cast but I was actually having
difficulties keeping it at manageable dimensions, it kept trying to
expand to more then double my normal radius.  Not only was the
connection to my power back in full force but it had grown for my new
understanding.

The moral of the story?  When you are having difficulties with spells
and connection to deities the obvious issue may not be the true one.
Make sure to look beneath the surface for deeper issues.

*I say this is minor as I have since experienced very deep and powerful
orgasms during sex when my wife and I are both experiencing each
other's pleasure and connection, both physical and emotional.

As I walked down the beach towards the point the wind rushed through
my hair and through my cloak.  The stars shown above me in crystal
clear perfection and I could hear the waves breaking on the sand a
ways off.  It was indeed low tide and the half moon was setting shortly
after the sun.

I reached the rocky point and communed with the three elements which
presented themselves in force.  I began by collecting stones which
called out to me.

I then sat on the marvelous rock and watched the stars and the comet
which was making its first appearance in 17 thousand years.  The
clarity of the stars, the comet, the precision of the moon, the power
of the wind, the personal power this spot afforded me; this was indeed
a magical night.  The place was right.  I awaited only the time.  At
three minutes to midnight I began communing with Polaris, my star.
Before I realized it my watch beeped, signifying midnight.

I reached to my arm and withdrew the cuff which resides on it.  I began
my rite to charge it through the power of the stars (a spell from
Cunningham) but quickly fumbled the words.  Not discouraged I began
again, still at midnight, and successfully charged the cuff.
Visualizing the energy feeding from the stars to the cuff took much
concentration.  Once there it was easy for me to see and release the
power.

I brought the item close to me and with my projective hand I sent
energy of strength and magical power into it (focusing its intended
use).  This done I began my journey back.  I stopped on my way to
collect some sand from such a magical place, and left a symbol of
magical power to replace what the Earth had given me.  I stood, thanked
the stars, the Earth, the wind and the water and returned to my car.

Most authors agree that it is important to keep a journal of all
magical and ritual workings.  While there is some dispute as to
whether these records should be kept in your BoS or in separate
location, all are insistent that you should write down your thoughts
and experiences after every spell and ritual.

The thoughts and experiences I've been recording here on my website
have primarily come from my memory and not from reports written after
any given incident.  In truth I haven't kept my journal for many
years.  Then again I had misplaced my spirituality for quite a while
during which time I worried (far to much) over my more banal and
mundane existence.

Recently I managed to dig up my old journal from where it had been
packed away during one of my moves.  While reading it I discovered
some very surprising things.  Amongst the most surprising was the fact
that my memory has been playing tricks on me.

For years I have remembered my first and only experience with Astral
Projection.  Or rather I thought I did.  The experience as I remember
it can be found in my thoughts and experiences (archived).  However
my journal maintains a slightly different story.

"I tried astral projection again and am not positive about success.
I think I was able to briefly.  I met a short thinish woman with
medium length curly hair.  She was carrying something which I wanted
to ask if it was a snake.  Except as she approached I grew into my
Death Lynx body.  she was somewhat surprised but I think she could
see more surprise in my eyes.  she tried to ask my name but before I
could recover someone opened the train door near me breaking me back
to my body."

This is very different from my current recollection and brings to mind
some very poignant questions.  Why do I remember her as being terrified
when I changed?  Why is it terror and not lack of concentration that
I remember bringing me back to my body?
The answer is simple.  While she was merely surprised by my
transformation the implications surprised and later scared ME.  Much
of this is purely psychological as "Death Lynx" represents my more
primal side in addition to being part of my spiritual workings.  As
my conscious spirituality waned my mind altered the memory to attack
the portion of my own psyche that I grew to fear.

And without my journal I would never have known.  It has allowed me
to begin the healing process of a problem I was completely unaware of
through its subtlety.  And while this is by no means the only place
where my memory has been proven rebellious it is a prime example (and
a means of correcting an error on my site without simply covering it
up).

Like all of those authors I now fully support the writing of journals.
Personally I'm of the school that it should be separate from your BoS
if for no other reason than the fact that over the years you will
likely fill a number of books with your experiences.  This way you can
maintain your beliefs, spells and rituals in a single book without the
need to replace (and rewrite) it every few years.