Title: Captain Proton and the Green-Eyed Monster
Author: PJ Squared (PJ in NH and Phyllis J. Sutherland)
Series: VOY Codes: P/T, K/f, 7, Misc. Crew
Rating: R Disclaimer: Voyager owns all the characters, etc., we are just using the characters for a little fun and relaxation.

Email: kelhapam@metrocast.net;PSuther998@aol.com
Posting: OK to ASC, ASCEM, BLTS, & PT Fever. Please notify us if you post anywhere else.

Note of Appreciation: Special thanks to Patti Heyes, Laura Hale, and Annie M. for betaing/proofing this story for us. They helped back this bit of mayhem possible.

Synopsis: Voyager is threatened by a green-eyed monster and even Captain Proton needs to be rescued: Note, if you don't have a sense of humour, stop reading now.

Final note: We were going to completely change certain names to protect the innocent, but we couldn't find anyone *that* innocent. ;)

CAPTAIN PROTON AND THE GREEN-EYED MONSTER
by PJ Squared
July 1999

Crewman J.L. Wright sat at his console entering reports into the ship's official logs. Day after day of recording the lives of Voyager's crew was tedious. Especially when he had to record another incidence of bravery by the man who held the love of his dream woman. He had tried to win B'Elanna's affection while Voyager's chief pilot was in solitary, but how could a simple record keeper compete?

With a heavy sigh he began to record the incident on the holodeck, when a race of photonic beings thought that the program running was a real world, then engaged in a war with the character Dr. Chaotica. He could not believe his bad luck. When Lieutenant--now Ensign Paris was sent to the brig after the incident on the water planet, he thought that would be the end of the pilot's heroics. But no, trust Paris to fall into another chance to be the hero.

With the official records finished, Wright began to indulge in his favourite hobby, keeping track of the relationships that had developed on Voyager over the past five years.

J.L. had heard some weird rumours about a couple in astrometrics who were into some kinky stuff. Crewman Zavaleta had been caught wearing pink lace panties that belonged to crewman Terri T'Exan. He carefully entered that information into the database.

Talk was, that an older female crewmember of the supply and procurement staff, was so enamoured of the hotshot Helmboy she slept with a stolen sample of his chest hair under her pillow. The grapevine said she was just waiting for a chance to experiment with cloning.

He had learned just this week of a group of woman from all departments of Voyager, who met in Sandrine's during their off duty hours to fantasise about Tom Paris. He could hear them now: "Oooooooh his smile is so sexy, his butt is so firm, B'Elanna is so lucky." Blech! It was enough to make a Denebian slime devil puke!

Then there was Ensign Sullivan who was chasing after that cute little medic in training. The one from Sullivan's home planet of Rooland. Wright snickered and wondered how Anth felt about his girlfriend taking private lessons from Tom "Loverboy" Paris.

Of course he couldn't forget about the pending romance between Chapman and Hale. Word was that someone was trying to come between them even before it had begun.

Then his mind drifted to his secret love...the Chief of Engineering. Remembering last night's erotic dreams of the beauteous B'Elanna, J.L's lip began to quiver. There had to be some way to get her to realise the pilot was all wrong for her. He bet her eyes would be opened if someone were to reprogram Captain Proton so Ensign Paris could suffer ignominious defeat and look like a pig at the same time.

***********************

Ensign Sullivan, in research and development, actually could have cared less about what the Chief Pilot did as long as he stayed away from Ph're Zell. He was head over heels in love with the petite medic.

So intent was his passion, that he had volunteered to assist in Sickbay just to be near her. Working with the EMH and Zellie, as he had come to call her, had been a challenge as he abhorred the sight of blood. He did find that he enjoyed medical research and development. In fact, with the EMH's encouragement, he was working on an advanced biofeedback treatment to help relieve pain. In case of an emergency, he would be able to relieve the suffering of some of the patients before the Doctor or Tom Paris could administer appropriate treatment. It was while he was in the Sickbay one day working on his research that he heard Harry Kim and Seven of Nine enter.

"I tell you, Seven, it meant nothing," Harry tried to explain to the buxom blonde ex-Borg.

"Nothing?" Seven queried raising her ocular implant to its fullest extent. Her icy blue stare never left his face.

Harry looked away from her, then scuffed his toe against the deck. "That's right."

"By my observation you and Ensign Hale where doing a lot more than *nothing,*" Seven stated. "You commenced with sticking your tongue down her throat and she reciprocated. I believe it is sometimes referred to as 'sucking face'."

"It was a m-m-mistake, Seven, it d-d-didn't mean anything. I swear. We both had a b-bit to drink, and one thing led to another and..." Harry was getting nervous now. Any hope he had with Seven was rapidly slipping through his fingers.

"I don't believe that it didn't mean anything to Ensign Hale. According to my records, you two were *bumping uglies* for twenty-three minutes twelve seconds..."

"*Bumping uglies*?" Harry interrupted.

"That term is correct isn't it? Mr. Paris explained that term to me once. It means..."

"I know what it *means*, Seven. I'm just surprised that you used the phrase."

"Well, while you were um....performing the *horizontal tango*," Seven continued ignoring the ensign's own raised eyebrow, "Ensign Hale kept on saying *Is that all there is, Harry? Doesn't it get any bigger? *"

Harry buried his flushed face in his hands, this was so embarrassing. Finally, he looked up at Seven of Nine. "I've been meaning to rectify that situation, Seven. Really I have."

"Rectifying what situation? Sleeping with Ensign Hale, or asking the Doctor to enlarge your...."

Ensign Sullivan at that point decided that he just didn't want to know any more and announced his presence. Whistling lightly, he left the back room and began to walk towards the pair, stopping as they finally noticed him. "Good evening, Seven, Harry. The Doctor is on the holodeck with his family. Can I help you?" He tried hard not to laugh at the connotations.

"Yes, Ensign. We are here to obtain some medical treatment for Ensign Kim. It appears that he has developed a...rash."

"I see...well, perhaps I can help you. Where exactly is this rash?"

Harry blushed a vivid shade of red.

<Oh, a shagging type of rash,> Sullivan concluded, but kept his thought to himself. <Didn't think Harry had it in him! I always thought that Harry having sex was scarcer than rocking-horse shit.>

Seven noticed his distress. "Perhaps it would be best if we called the Doctor?"

"Go ahead, I was just leaving." Sullivan quickly left Sickbay before he broke down in laughter in contemplation of Harry's embarrassing position.

Seven took mental note of the ensign's odd facial coloring and smothered sounds, filing it away as more "irritational display of strange emotions." Then she slapped her commbadge. Seven slapped her commbadge. "Seven to the Doctor."

:::What do you need, Seven?:::

"I do not require any assistance, but Mr. Kim is in need of your services."

:::I see. In that case, I'll be right there::: In a flash, the EMH stood before them. "What seems to be the problem, Ensign?" the EMH asked reaching for his medical tricorder.

Seven stood off to one side, arms folded across her chest. She obviously was going to make Harry squirm.

"Ihavearash," Harry blurted out quickly.

"Hmmmm, a rash?" The Doctor scanned the ensign's body, finally stopping at Kim's groin. "I see. Please strip off your uniform slacks and hop up on the bed."

Harry cast a look at Seven.

The Doctor noticed the ensign's discomfort. "Seven, please step outside while I perform the exam."

She nodded once, "Of course, Doctor." Dutifully, she headed for the door, but not before she heard the Doctor say: "Are you sure you have one? I can't find it, Ensign."

Harry sobbed, but the EMH paid no regard.

"Now where did I put those tweezers?"

~~~~~~

Seven's full lips turned up at the sound of Harry weeping just before the door to Sickbay slid silently shut behind her. She was the recipient of several smiles in return, but they all went unnoticed. For most people, the curled up lips wouldn't have garnered a second glance, but on the ex-Borg the look was unique. It was the equivalent of full-blown laughter. On the inside, Seven of Nine was laughing her ass off thinking about Harry's little predicament.

Turning the corner at the end of the hall and hailing the turbolift, she decided this one little embarrassment didn't compensate for Harry's frivolous dalliance with Ensign Hale. Ensign Kim still had a lot to answer for, if he expected to earn her trust and respect. She was determined that he would pay for his indiscretion. She just had to decide how best to accomplish the task. Realising that this would require a certain amount of finesse and humour, both of which she lacked, Seven came to the conclusion that she would need the help of someone else. The turbolift door slid opened and Seven strode inside. Suddenly, she was airborne, executing a perfect 360 in the air before she landed rather inelegantly on her bottom.

"Seven, are you okay?" A red-faced Lt. Chapman asked crawling over to where the former Borg rested on the floor of the turbolift.

A dazed Seven turned around, blue eyes slowly focusing on the reason for her current position. "Lt. Chapman?"

"Yes, Seven. I'm sorry, I dropped a datapadd on the floor and was picking it up just as the door opened," he explained. "You just stumbled over me. Perhaps you were distracted?"

"Distracted?" Seven considered his diagnosis very carefully, then nodded. "Yes, I was distracted by a project that I am planning, and Lieutenant, it could be that you are just the person best able to assist me."

"Me? Help you?"

"I have observed that you are efficient in your duties. Also that you are romantically attracted to Ensign Hale. Is that not correct?"

"Ah...well... you see..." Chapman stammered. His mind raced. Initially, he was going to deny his interest in the young ensign, but he found that he couldn't. Every waking and sleeping moment were filled with images of Ensign Hale. He dreamed of holding her lithe body close to his own and running his fingers through her long light brown hair. Hair, he was sure would lighten to blonde at its tips if exposed to the sun long enough. Ever since they had worked together three weeks ago analysing the structural integrity of one of the older shuttles, she was all he could think of, but she seemed to be involved with someone else. "Ah...yes... I am attracted to her. Why?"

Seven stood up and reached down and pulled Chapman up to stand beside her. "You know then that she has been *involved* with another?"

He opened his mouth to reply but not knowing quite what to say he was so upset, closed it and nodded instead.

"How would you like to remedy that situation?"

His dark eyes, that had been focused on the Seven's magnificent chest, immediately shot up to her beautiful face. "What?"

"Would you like to help me see to it that Ensign Hale and the person she has become involved with, namely Harry Kim, are no longer interested in each other? And in doing so cause your competition to suffer?"

"Harry Kim? It was Harry that she's been...ah, been...."

"Doing the dirty deed with?" Seven offered.

Chapman was too stunned by the news to be further shocked by Seven's choice of words to describe the physical interaction between his "Baby" and Kim. He looked seriously at Seven of Nine and swallowed. "Just tell me what you want me to do."

Seven smiled. This time almost to the point where she showed her white teeth.

~~~~~

Tom Paris fastened his leather jacket and adjusted his weapons belt around his waist. He was just about to leave his quarters when the door slid open, and B'Elanna Torres walked into the room.

"B'Elanna, you're late," he said retrieving his Captain Proton goggles from the dresser drawer. "I've got your costume all laid out on the bed." He motioned towards the elegant red dress, matching headdress, fishnet stockings, and stiletto heels.

The engineer, intrigued by the design of the garment, went over and fingered the material. It was shiny and silky to the touch. She knew that it would feel absolutely wonderful against her skin, and the colour would compliment her complexion.

"Do you like it?" Tom asked hopefully. He knew that inside the programme the red would not be seen, but he'd know what colour her dress really was.

B'Elanna picked up the dress and held it up to her body. "Hmmm, very much. Are you sure you couldn't have had the cut the neckline any lower?"

The pilot came up behind her and encircled his long arms around her svelte body. "Lower? You want to show more than your navel?"

"Only for you, hot shot."

"Good. You keep it that way."

"And you too, if you know what's good for you," she threatened with a smile. She tilted her head back to kiss Tom Paris, and he didn't disappoint. His mouth claimed hers in a kiss, then parting her lips with his tongue, he kissed her deeply. He only released her when they both needed to come up for air. "Damn, you're good," she said when she got her breath back.

Tom smiled proudly. "Gee, thanks. I do aim to please."

"In your 'Captain Proton' mode already, huh?"

"Can't help it, when the costume goes on..." he shrugged his shoulders. "I become," he cleared his throat and dropped his voice down an octave. "Spaceman First Class, Protector of Earth, and Scourge of Intergalactic Evil!"

"Impressive."

"Thanks!" Tom flashed his pearly whites in her direction and winked at her. His patriotic blue eyes sparkled.

"What I really came for was to tell you that I'll be delayed. We are having a problem stabilising the port nacelle's energy purge valve, and I promised Joe that I'd give him a hand."

"Just delayed?"

"I hope so, because I'm starting to look forward to my role. It's not everyday that I get to play the Scarlet Scorpion." She looked up at him. "I still get to have my Scorpion slaves to wait on me, right?"

Tom laughed. He loved it; she was really looking forward to being in the programme. "Yes, you'll have your Scorpion slaves. All six of them, all according to your exact specifications."

"And their clothes?"

"All six, tall handsome dark haired men, will be attired in nothing but black thongs and black arm bands," he assured her. "But remember, B'Elanna," he shook a long finger in front of her face. "....look, but don't touch."

"Of course. And if any beautiful females make their way into this programme or any of your programmes," she held up her fist within centimetres from his aristocratic nose, "you remember the same thing."

"Naturally. I plan on saving myself for the most beautiful of all...you."

"The Scarlet Scorpion will make sure of that," B'Elanna purred, wrapping her arms around the man in the leather jacket. "I'll join you later. And Tom?"

"Yes?"

"See if you can replicate some red undies for me to wear for the occasion?"

"Red undies? Are you planning something special later?" Tom asked hopefully.

Approaching the pilot, B'Elanna laughed huskily. Standing on her tiptoes she kissed him hard and then she was gone.

~~~~~~*

Harry waited impatiently in front of Holodeck Two for Tom to show up. It was already 1805 and he still hadn't arrived for their appointed time of 1800. Lucky stiff, Harry thought; Tom and B'Elanna were probably *delayed*. All he wanted to do was to play the programme and be imprisoned by ten slave girls while they teased him to distraction. After all, Tom had promised him slave girls this time around. The pilot had even let him programme their specifications himself. Harry had been careful with the programming so he and they would be *compatible* with each other. And now, with his dream so close to being fulfilled, Tom was late. Expressing his frustration, he kicked the door that led to the holodeck, and mentally kicked himself for not getting that operation years ago. If only he wasn't so darn afraid of medical procedures!

"Hey, watch it there, Harry," J.L. called out from down the hall. "You don't want to dent the door."

Harry blushed and turned to face his friend. "Sorry, Tom's just a little late and I don't feel very patient today."

"Captain Proton?"

"Yep. Actually this is episode 69: 'Captain Proton and the Scarlet Scorpion'," Harry told him.

"Sounds interesting. What or who is the Scarlet Scorpion?"

"B'Elanna's playing the role. You should see the red outfit that Tom's designed for her. She's going to look just fantastic, if he can persuade her to wear it," Harry gestured with his hand to demonstrate how low cut the neckline was.

J.L. swallowed hard and his eyes glazed over. He could just imagine B'Elanna dressed in such a way. It made his temperature rise just thinking about the half-Klingon and how much flesh would be exposed. He could picture the two of them having dinner in a romantic candle-lit restaurant and afterwards they would adjourn to an even more romantic hotel room overlooking the sea, then he would...

"...then of course,... ah...J.L.? J.L.!?"

"Ah....I'm sorry, Harry. I was thinking of something else. What did you say?"

Harry laughed, but glancing down the corridor, he noticed Tom sprinting towards him. "Nothing, I'll talk to you later. Tom's here now and I want to get started."

J.L., hearing the sound of rapidly approaching footsteps turned just in time to see the dashing Chief Pilot skid to a stop almost barreling into them.

"Sorry, I'm late, Harry, but B'Elanna showed up and we started talking...well you know," Tom turned to Crewman Wright. "Afternoon, J.L., are you joining us?"

"Hi, Tom. No, maybe some other time, thanks for asking, but I do have work to do." <Grey. I don't care how many females tell me that Paris' blue eyes are the most dreamy blue eyes they have ever seen. They are grey! Grey!!! Grey!!!! GREY!!!>

"We'll look forward to that. I have a Proton program in mind that you might like, that is if I can convince the Captain to participate again. I think you might play the perfect part of Queen Arachnia's henchmen--"Oregainius."

"Thanks, Tom. Sounds like fun." <Hmmm, the Captain's henchmen? Kathryn Janeway isn't B'Elanna Torres, but there is something about auburn-haired women that I can't resist.> J.L. waved goodbye to the two and started to walk away.

"You won't believe it, Harry, she is actually going to wear it," Tom excitedly told his friend.

"Wow, is Captain Proton going to get lucky tonight?"

"You bet!" Tom replied confidently.

J.L., hearing the last exchange between the two friends as they entered the holodeck, seethed at the thought of Tom and B'Elanna enjoying some time together. In particular, the type of enjoyment that Tom had in mind, and with B'Elanna in that particular red outfit. Rage tore through the record keeper and, returning to Holodeck Two, he began to furiously input commands into the Proton program rewriting the character algorithms.

Seven and Lt. William Chapman waited around the corner from Holodeck Two. The Borg consulted her tricorder and as soon as Tom and Harry entered the programme, she snapped it shut.

"Are you ready, Mr. Chapman?"

Will laced his fingers together and stretched his arms out in front of him, cracking his knuckles. "Call me Will, Seven. Mr. Chapman is such a mouthful."

"Very well, *Will*. But are you prepared to execute our plan?"

"Just about. Is the coast clear?"

"The coast? We are not on the ocean."

"Is there any one around in front of Holodeck Two?" he clarified.

Seven peeked out around the corner and noticed Crewman Wright leaving the area. "No. There is no one in the area. The *coast* is clear."

"Great, let's go."

Chapman worked the holodeck controls while Seven stood guard.

"Almost done, Seven. I've entered all the parameters that we talked about. <And a few of my own as well.>

"Hurry up, I can hear the sounds of footsteps," she cautioned.

"Just one more," he tapped a few more keystrokes adding a final flourish to the very last one, "there, done."

"Good," Seven replied. "Would you care to watch what transpires from my regeneration chamber?"

He looked at her strangely, trying to comprehend what she was trying to say.

"This is *not* a date, Lieutenant," the ex-Borg stressed. "I have made it possible to observe their proceedings. Would you, or would you not, like to accompany me?"

Chapman grinned. "I wouldn't miss it for the world, Seven. Would you like me to bring the popcorn?"

Seven glared at him and stormed past him toward the turbolift, Will Chapman meekly followed.

~~~~~~

Buster Kincaid, perched atop a long legged stool, called out to the greatest hero in the known black and white world. "Captain Proton! Captain Proton! Incoming message. It is coming from the planet we are approaching."

Captain Proton, clad in his trademark leather jacket and snapping his ever-present, never-lose-its-flavour-on-the-bedpost-overnight gum answered his loyal sidekick. "Patch it through, Buster."

"Aye, sir." Buster's hands flew over the controls, finally turning the big black knob in the middle of the console that read "Message Control Switch."

Two figures ultimately coalesced on the imagizer. As the picture cleared, Proton and Buster could see that the figures were that of two women, both clad in shiny silver lame. One was seated on a bejewelled throne, and the other stood proudly off to one side. Each was very lovely and showed an abundance of cleavage.

::::Captain Proton.::::: The seated one cooed. ::::Welcome to...:::: The piped in music that accompanied the broadcast sounded suddenly very ominous thanks to the addition of tympani.

::::The Planet Derauqsjp:::: The pair replied together followed by a double evil laugh.

(PAUSE Author's note: Tympani are kettle drums for the unmusically inclined--very effective to heighten the tension. Rosie in Terre Haute, pretend you are impressed. Thank you. Press PLAY to resume.)

The seated woman nodded to the one standing, who flung her cape over her right shoulder and turned to her left. She flipped a series of switches.

"Captain, our ship is being pulled in!" Harry called out, suitably concerned.

"The Planet De...de...der...whatever you said?" Proton queried.

"Yes, the Planet Derauqsjp I'm Princess J'Ycoe," the seated woman replied.

"And I'm Princess J'Nea," the other one said.

"Welcome to our little corner of space," they replied together again. "Please make yourselves at home for you'll never leave!"

At the sound of their evil laughter, the screen went black.

"Was this part of the story, Tom?" Harry asked his friend.

Tom shook his head. "Not that I recall. Not that it doesn't sound interesting, but we are suppose to be playing the Scarlet Scorpion episode. Computer, end program and initiate Captain Proton and the Scarlet Scorpion." He waited for a response but received no reply. "Computer?" Still nothing. "Harry, check the internal holodeck controls. Something must be malfunctioning."

"Roger." Harry quickly located the holodeck control panel and popped it open. "Ah, Tom?"

The pilot joined him, looking over his friend's shoulder. "What is it?"

"It appears that the Scarlet Scorpion program may have been tampered with. I can't get it to stop."

Tom looked away from the panel. "Computer, arch."

No response.

"Computer, cease the program and display the arch."

Still no response.

"So we can't get out of this?" Tom asked.

Harry closed the panel resolutely, "It doesn't look like it. The only way to get out of this programme is to play it through, or be rescued from the outside. Maybe B'Elanna will join us soon."

"Doubtful. These repairs to the port nacelle always seem to take longer than even she can anticipate. I guess we'll just have to hold on until...."

The spaceship suddenly came to an abrupt stop causing both men to almost lose their footing.

"...until either we conclude the program or B'Elanna can finish her work."

"Great," Harry replied half-heartedly.

Hearing the sound of the hatch opening, both of the men turned around. Suddenly, several females each bearing a weapon streamed into the rocket ship. They were each dressed in scanty two-piece outfits covered with blue sequins and wearing 10-centimetre heels.

(PAUSE. That is about 4-inch heels for the non-metric. PLAY.)

"Wow, neat program, Tom," Harry said aside, "This might be even better than Scorpion."

"Silence!!! My name is Pat'I. We've come to take you to our leaders," spoke one of the beautiful women. "Come peacefully and you will not be harmed, alright?" She coughed" I meant, all right?"

"Sure thing," Buster replied zealously. "Take me to your leaders!"

"A little less eager, Harry," Tom coached.

Harry shrugged.

"And for heaven's sake stop drooling, it just isn't very dignified for a loyal sidekick."

Harry responded by sticking his tongue out at his friend and held his hands up to the woman that had spoken. "Sure you don't want to tie me up? I might try to escape."

Pat'I rolled her eyes towards the heavens and nodded her head in the direction of one of the other beauties. "Ah'Nee, you and Cor T'knee get out the manacles and chain up this one," she pointed toward Buster. "As for Captain Proton, you two, K'Lara, and C'Lara, make sure that he doesn't get away. And hurry up, the Princesses await our return!"

~~~~~

"I didn't program it like that," J.L. said watching the scene that was unfolding on the holodeck. "What happened?"

~~~~

"Will, this was not how I instructed you to alter the Captain Proton program," Seven said to Lt. Chapman.

"Well, ah...Seven...I did add a few details of my own, but this wasn't quite how it was supposed to go. Do you want to go down to Holodeck Two and terminate the program?"

"I think not, let us wait a bit longer and see what develops."

~~~~~~

Princess J'Ycoe and her sister Princess J'Nea adjusted the controls for their image screen, until finally dancing graphics of wedges of cheese paraded across the monitor.

"She's got to be kidding," J'Nea commented to her sister.

"I will admit it is a bit much, but when you are a Head Cheese you can do almost anything. If she likes little cheeses doing the cha-cha, then we have to watch it. Ssssh, here she comes now!"

With a rustle of fabric and twinkling of silver chains the Head Cheese took her seat in front of her monitor. "This had better be important," Her Cheesiness threatened. She was dressed all in black, her dark tresses framed her face and touched her shoulders, and long silver necklaces hung around her long throat. She was the epitome of raw power.

"Oh it is, it is, your most Cheesiness," J'Ycoe assured her. "Queen Luber, we have done it. We have done what everyone else has failed to do, even Dr. Chaotica."

Queen Luber selected a truffle from a silver tray and looking bored by the pair, popped one into her ruby red mouth. "You've done what? I grow impatient. If you don't hurry up, I may have to kick you out of the Princess Training Federation. After all, you two have been in training for years! Let me tell you that there are a number of worthy princesses very much prepared to take your place, even for the sole reason of obtaining the key to the royal bar. S'Drines is the most prestigious establishment of its kind in the Universe."

"A thousand apologies, my queen," J'Nea replied. "But we are so excited. We've captured Captain Proton and his lukewarm assistant Burpster Can't-be-laid."

"That's Buster Kincaid," J'Ycoe reminded her sister.

"Are you sure?"

J'Ycoe nodded.

J'Nea turned her attention back to her Queen. "Sorry, um...I meant Buster Kincaid."

This caught the Queen's attention. "Well, I *am* impressed. I'll personally send you over my very own Chocolate-Covered Truffle Pastries for your enjoyment." Queen Luber reached for another truffle. Examining it, she threw it across the room. "White chocolate!?!?!? Someone is going to pay!!!" she roared. Her evil glared swept the room looking for the guilty party before returning her attention to the princesses. "I would of course join you to ah *celebrate* their capture, but...." At that moment a tartan kilt landed on the Queen's lap. ...I have other things that require my *personal attention*. I'm sure you can understand?"

"Of course, your Majesty," the pair replied together. "You can count on us to...ah...take care of Captain Proton and Buster Kincaid."

"You do remember what we talked about, regarding what we would do in this instance?" the Queen reminded them.

J'Ycoe and J'Nea smiled. "Oh you can be sure that we haven't forgotten. You can count on us."

They waited for a moment for the Queen to reply but when they saw Queen Luber clutch a thin golden brown braid in one elegant hand and grasp the lean torso of the male owner of that braid with her other, they discreetly shut off their monitor.

"It's up to us, Sis," J'Ycoe replied, and J'Nea nodded.

"To the torture chamber?" asked J'Nea.

"Of course."

~~~~

J.L. smiled. <Not bad. Not what I had programmed, but not bad. There may be hope for this yet.> He chuckled to himself and reached for his tall glass of ice water.

~~~

"Well, Seven, what do you think?" Will asked.

"It is...promising. Let us see what develops. First I have to take care of another little problem. It would serve no purpose if B'Elanna entered the programme too soon. I'll be back shortly."

"No, can't have that happen. But on your way back, could you bring some popcorn?"

"Very well, I should not be long."

"Oh, and don't forget the butter."

Seven nodded and exited her regeneration area.

~~~~

"B'Elanna, if you could just tighten that relay..."

B'Elanna pointed to the one above her head.

"No, not that one, the one to the left of that one--the green one," Carey instructed.

The Chief Engineer reached for her sonic spanner and proceeded to tighten the offending relay. If this worked, she'd be on the holodeck in mere minutes. As she applied the finally turn to achieve the appropriate torque, the lights in the work area went out, plunging the pair in darkness.

"Thanks, Joe," she replied bitterly.

"You're welcome." <Please God, let me live.>

~~~~

The Princesses of Joy, J'Ycoe and J'Nea swept into the torture chamber passing between a row of tall, dark, and handsome men lining the corridor. Each one was clad in a white loin cloth and nothing else, and each sported a nice crop of chest hair.

Running their fingers through each man's curly chest hair, they proceeded towards to where their followers had placed Proton and Buster. One of the men J'Ycoe touched, blushed in response. She stopped for but a moment and whispered in his ear.

"After we are done with Proton, I promise you that you will be next, Bash."

He blushed again, and J'Ycoe continued on.

Buster Kincaid had his arms and legs tied spread-eagled between two posts. Whereas Captain Proton had been placed face up on the torture table. His long legs were secured to a rail and his wrists tied to a metal rod that could be cranked to increase the tautness.

"Ah, Captain Proton," J'Ycoe purred approaching the hero. "We've been waiting for this moment for a long time."

"Finally, we have you in our clutches," J'Nea added. "When we are through with you, you'll never want to leave."

"Where's the Scarlet Scorpion?" Proton questioned, craning his head to the left to see the Princesses of Joy.

"Who cares about any old Scarlet Scorpion?" J'Nea asked taking up her position on the Captain's right side. .

J'Ycoe opted for the left. "You have us, Proton. What need could you possibly have for any insect?"

"Buster," Proton spoke. "I have a feeling we are in big trouble."

Harry dumbly nodded. If he was lucky, he thought, maybe one of the Princesses of Joy would pay him some attention.

J'Ycoe, older of the Princesses of Joy could fight the impulse no longer, her fingers ached to caress that broad chest. She wanted to let her fingers do the walking through the soft golden chest hair that she felt Proton possessed. On her signal, J'Nea pulled the ropes holding Proton a little tighter, then tied them off. With trembling hands, the younger princess began to divest Proton of his trousers.

J'Ycoe was taking her time, savouring every moment. She ran her hand through the golden curls that she prophesied Proton possessed.

Meanwhile, Captain Proton's sidekick Buster was close to tears because neither princess was showing him any attention.

"Remember, I'm next," J'Nea urged. She wet her lips with anticipation of the treat that would soon be hers.

"When is it MY turn, ladies?" Buster whined.

The princesses laughed in unison. "YOUR turn? Surely you jest?" the pair replied together.

"Proton has a healthy crop of delectable chest hair," J'Ycoe said.

J'Nea strode over to a trembling Buster. "And you," J'Nea pulled open his shirt and shuddered. "have....nothing....nada....zilch! Why should we settle for chicken salad when we can have a Proton Burger. YUM!"

"In fact," J'Ycoe said joining her sister and giving one swift jerk to Buster's trousers. "You have absolutely nothing down below either!"

"BWWAAAAAA!!! BWWWAAAAAAA!!!!" Harry screamed.

"Such a baby," the princesses purred.

"You are lucky we even let you live," the younger twin explained. "Sis was all for spacing your sorry butt. But I persuaded her to let you observe our technique."

"Please," Buster begged. "Kill me. Kill me now!"

"Sorry. No can do. We need a body servant to serve us because we do not want to leave our banquet," J'Nea told him. She snapped her fingers and one of the men-in-waiting came forward. and deposted the bundle he was carrying on the floor by J'Nea. He kissed each toe of the princess reverently before returning to his position against the wall.

"Here," J'Nea said, kicking the bundle towards Buster. "You must wear chains and wait on us hand and foot while we pleasure the dear Captain." She nodded toward two other men-in-waiting who came forward and released Buster from the poles and proceeded to attach the chains to the young man.

"Please, kill me. Just point me in the direction of the nearest cliff, and I'll jump myself. You don't even have to push," Buster begged.

The twins looked at each other and then back at the boy. "Nah. That's no fun."

"Sis, you know he is awfully noisy."

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" J'Ycoe asked her sister.

"Yes, I'll get the gag, I just hate having these interruptions."

~~~~

Seven smiled broadly first at the monitor seeing how the princesses were tying Proton to the table and then at Lt. Chapman. "This seems to be coming along just fine, *Will*, she said still uncomfortable calling him by his first name. Then returning her attention back to the monitor she heard Harry cry out. That was her undoing. In a matter of mere seconds she progressed from a smile, to a grin showing all of her teeth, to a full-fledged, gut-busting belly laugh. Thus, humanity finally assimilated Seven of Nine, former Tertiary Adjunct to Unimatrix 01.

~~~~~~~~~~

"Chakotay, did you hear something?" Janeway asked her first officer.

He paused and considered her question placing his forefinger up against his lips. "Something like...um....the sound of crying...to be precise, like Harry Kim crying?"

"That's it! I must be imagining things."

Chakotay smiled.

~~~~

"Try it again, Joe," B'Elanna suggested.

Carey tightened the relay and crossed his fingers. The lights came on. Checking his tricorder, Joe smiled. "You did it, Lieutenant. Everything is back up and running again!"

"At last," she replied. "I'm out of here. If you know what's good for you, try to limit the emergencies tonight, I have something special planned and I'm late already."

"I'll try, B'Elanna, and say 'hello' to Tom for me."

She smiled in return.

~~~~

J.L. grinned. This was working out better than he had programmed it to, and damn was it HOT! So hot he upended the half-filled glass of ice water over his head. Now all he had to do was to wait for B'Elanna to show up, then Paris' ass would be grass.

~~~

B'Elanna tore down the hall to the turbolift. Entering the lift, she called out for Deck 4. When it reached the destination, she sprinted down the hall towards Tom's cabin. The door had barely had time to slide shut behind her before she was pulling off her uniform and replacing it with the red costume that he had replicated and slipping on the shoes.

"Look out Captain Proton, here I come!" she called out leaving the room and heading back to the turbolift. "Computer, Deck six."

Hurrying toward the Holodeck, her redshoes clicking across the floor, she received many an appreciative stare from the men she passed, and even a couple from some of the women, but she didn't pay them any heed. The half-Klingon had one thing on her mind--her mate.

Reaching the door to Holodeck Two she tried to enter but was denied admittance. Within a matter of moments, she found out why and found out how to gain entry. A well-placed blow with both fists accomplished the delicate task.

~~~~~

"She's going to kill me, she's going to kill me," Tom kept on saying trying to ignore the ministrations of the two highly sexed women, while Harry waited patiently for any "crumbs" that might fall from the ladies' plate.

J'Nea was peering down Proton's tented briefs and J'Ycoe was licking his toes, when the door to the holodeck opened, and B'Elanna stormed in. The cut of the red dress did nothing to hide her heaving bosom. The Scarlet Scorpion was in a rage. Her man--her lover--was strapped to a table and two women, who she had never seen before, were drooling all over him! That was her job!

"GET AWAY FROM MY SPACEMAN!" B'Elanna roared.

J'Ycoe and J'Nea looked up from the golden haired man they were feasting on and toward B'Elanna.

"Get your own man," J'Ycoe and J'Nea replied simultaneously.

"He is MY MAN YOU HUSSIES!!!!" Then she let out an ear-splitting roar worthy of a full-blooded Klingon.

J'Ycoe looked at J'Nea, and J'Nea looked at J'Ycoe. "Let's get the hell out of here!" they screamed. Soon the Princesses of Joy and their minions had fled the room leaving behind only Proton, Buster, and the Scarlet Scorpion.

B'Elanna sauntered slowly up to the imprisoned Captain Proton. Taking in his nakedness she purred,"Why Captain, you are wearing my favourite of all your outfits, your birthday suit."

"Ah, thanks."

"Thanks, later. Explanations now."

~~~~

Janeway looked at Chakotay at the same time he looked at her.

"B'Elanna," they both concluded. Then they the two senior officers smiled.

"Looks like Tom has his hands full tonight," Kathryn stated.

"That would be a logical assumption, Captain," Tuvok replied from this station.

The bridge crew laughed at Tuvok's remark.

~~~~~

Harry quickly turned to exit the programme just as B'Elanna launched herself at Tom, fully intent on making full use of the torture table to apply her own personal brand of torture. As he he went through the arch, he turned just in time to see B'Elanna rip the pilot's briefs in two and lick her lips at what lay... um...stood tall... underneath. That was the last straw! Harry, who had wobbled on the decision, now knew just what he had to do. Instead of heading for his cabin for a cold shower, he turned toward Sickbay and the EMH.

~~~~

"Damn it!" J.L. swore. "Computer terminate transmission!" Wallowing in self pity and still dripping wet, he returned to his work vowing to seek revenge another day, and vowing that someday B'Elanna Torres would turn to him and not the pilot.

~~~~

"Well it looks like it's mission accomplished, Seven, " Chapman said turning off the monitor.

Seven, still in a state of bliss, nodded from her position on the floor. Her hair having had fallen in disarray around her shoulders and popcorn littered her butter-stained cat suit.

"I'll see you around. Good luck with Harry, and thanks. This was fun."

Seven nodded and then giggled. "And good luck with Ensign Hale, I hope you two form a profitable collective one day."

Chapman waved good-bye and wished that he could relate what had happened to someone, but he knew that no one would have believed him.

~~~~~~

The doors to Sickbay slid silently open and closed just as silently behind Harry Kim.

From somewhere in the back, the EMH called out. "Can I help you?"

"It's me, Doc. I ne...need your help."

The Doctor hurried out to the front room. "Of course, Mr. Kim, what seems to be the problem?"

"It's just that I finally have come to a decision, and I need your assistance."

"I see, what can I do to help you."

"I finally decided that I want it done. And as soon as you can arrange it."

"What is it that you want done, Ensign?

Harry walked over to the nearest computer terminal punched in a series of commands and swung the monitor over to face the EMH.

"I want to have my um...'little man' surgically altered. This, "he pointed to the screen, "is what I want it to look like."

"Ah, a very popular model," the EMH noted. "But, Mr. Kim, you do realize that there is an aftereffect whenever we use the McGregor model? For some strange reason, the recipient has the urge start speaking with a Scottish accent and run around in the nude swinging a sword."

Harry nodded his head up and down vigorously. "I know. So, Doc, how soon can you start?"

"Well first I want you to meet with our self-proclaimed sex therapist, Dr. Sexton, and then we can begin as soon as she gives the go-ahead. Her only charge is that you come with a can of whipped cream."

"Whipped cream?"

The Doctor looked at Harry very seriously. "Don't ask, just bring."

"Sure, I'll be there with bal...ah...bells on first thing in the morning. Thanks again, Doc. This will change my life!"

~~~~~~

B'Elanna lazily traced a path with her lips from Tom's shoulders all the way down to his groin. "So was the Scarlet Scorpion all you thought she should be?" she finally asked.

"Hmmm, and more besides," Tom replied pulling her face up towards his and her body up over his own. "I take it I'm forgiven?"

"Perhaps. Can I come play with you again? I've gotten very fond of Captain Proton. Maybe next time you could write a Proton story for just the two of us? Maybe," B'Elanna pondered. "'The Scarlet Scorpion and the Seduction of Captain Proton'?"

"My pleasure, we'll leave Buster out of this one. I'll programme him a nice group of slave girls to keep him busy in another holodeck."

"I can hardly wait!"

The End

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Note, if you read something and scratched your head wondering what it was all about, or wondered why something was misspelt, it was probably an inside joke!

You can view all of PJ in NH's stories and PJ Squared's stories and poems at http://www.metrocast.net/~kelhapam . Phyllis Suther's other poems can be found at http://www.pjinnh.150m.com/pjs.html .