Title: Logs of Passion: Harry's Thoughts
Contact: kelhapam@metrocast.net
Series: VOY 
Rating: PG-13
Code: K, P, J
Part:  NEW
Date: 10 March 2001

Summary: Harry investigates Janeway's holoprogram "Fantasy."

Explanation: This story is the sixth in the Logs of Passion
series. Please remember that the Janeway in this series, is
derived from the Janeway that was depicted in Season 5.

     Logs of Passion Series:

     Captain's Log - Thirty Days Coda
     Counterpoint and Beyond - The Captain's Log Continues
     Engineer's Log - Intimate Relations
     Chakotay's Journal
     Tom's Log - Realization & Retaliation
     Harry's Thoughts

Special thanks to beta readers: Phyllis S.; Tracy S., and Ronda. 

Harry's Thoughts
by PJ in NH
March 10, 2001

Celebrating Tom's last night as a single man, he told me a
strange tale.  At first I chalked it up to him overindulging in
the bottle of Elasian Scotch I had carefully (with the Captain's
permission) replicated. But I soon realized he'd been nursing his
drink all evening and it wasn't the alcohol talking.

* * * * *

After the rest of Tom's stag party guests had left, I stayed to
help Tom enjoy 'the last drop of booze,' as he called it.  In
reality, I think the prospect of getting married still was a
shock to him and he didn't want to be alone.  Not that he was
regretting his decisions, but he'd only just proposed to B'Elanna
that very afternoon.  Not wanting to wait to say their vows, it
didn't provide much time for the usual rituals--or to become
accustomed to the idea.  

Proposal at 1300, bridal shower and stag party that evening,
followed the next day by a morning wedding, all less than twenty-
four hours from the time Tom had popped the question.  I don't
know how he'd found the time to ask me to be his best man,
replicate her ring, and prep the Delta Flyer for the honeymoon.

Flinging the sheets off my body, I walked to the viewport.  I
could still see the race course in the distance.  I'm too anxious
to sleep.  Too many thoughts stream through my brain for me to
relax.  It's 0330 and I'm due to meet the groom at 0700 for
breakfast, and I still can't sleep.  Funny, the upcoming wedding
should be what's keeping me up tonight.  Instead I'm thinking
about Tom's story...and what happened afterwards.  

I can hardly believe it, but looking back it starts to make
sense.  Who'd have thought the Captain could harbor such strong
feelings for her Chief Pilot?  Certainly not me.  Perhaps I'm
still as gullible as I was when I first stepped foot on Voyager.

Maybe if I record my words, I can get them out of my brain, and
then I can get some sleep.  It wouldn't do to have a Best Man
sleeping through the wedding ceremony.  What if I dropped the
rings?  Hell with the rings!  What if I dropped the mating
bat'leths, someone could get hurt!  

Computer, begin recording, amend Harry Kim's personal log
database.

::::Confirmed::::

I never thought I'd be making a log like this.  

I'd always thought the Captain might have had feelings for
Chakotay.  Maybe it was wishful thinking.  Seemed fitting if she
were to fall for anyone it would be her First Officer, with whom
she had the most in common.  Certainly Chakotay had made it
known, at least by his actions, he cared for Janeway a great
deal.  But things don't always work out like you want them to. 
Life isn't a picture puzzle where all the pieces neatly fit
together.  It's a jumble of shapes and colors, some fitting and
some not.

When the last guest left Tom's cabin last night, he motioned for
me to sit down on the sofa while he chose to perch on the edge of
his coffee table.  We talked about the wedding, and how he
couldn't have asked for a better best man.  I told him he'd been
the friend and big brother I always had always wanted growing up. 
He smiled softly and took another sip of his drink.  Tom
explained he had something to talk to me about.  Something I had
to swear I would keep secret.  It'd been eating away at him, and
he needed to tell me, in fact he'd been wanting to talk to me
about it for several weeks.

I didn't know what to expect.  When he asked if I'd ever noticed
anything unusual about the way Janeway had treated him over the
years, I was speechless for a moment.  I hadn't anticipated the
topic of the conversation to include the Captain.

The first thing which came to my mind though was Tom's demotion a
couple of years ago.  I was shocked at the time.  I'll never
forget Tom being stoically escorted to the brig to serve his
thirty-day sentence in solitary confinement, minus one pip. He'd
walked proud, his head held erect, though the ship's corridors,
not even sparing a glance at B'Elanna or myself.  Others had not
always followed the hallowed Prime Directive... even myself, but
we hadn't receive the punishment Tom had.  

At least Tom had a good reason for his actions.  That thought was
comforting.  He was trying to save the Monean ocean world--it was
honorable.  He at least hadn't been selfish, he put the good of
others before himself.  I'm sure Captain Proton would have
approved.  Tom told me he knew Janeway wasn't acting as a captain
at the time he was striped of his rank, but more of a jilted
lover.  At the time he had dismissed the thought as being too
implausible. It wasn't long after he learned differently.

B'Elanna told Tom she'd noticed Janeway's attraction towards her
mate from almost the very beginning.  She'd catch Janeway eyeing
Tom when the Captain thought no one was looking. B'Elanna told
him there was lust in those gray eyes.  I questioned Tom how
B'Elanna was so sure about what she had witnessed.  He explained
it was some type of Klingon thing...a sixth sense they possessed
when they thought someone was encroaching on their territory.  I
do have to admit, it does sound like something a Klingon, or even
a half-Klingon, would be capable of.  I didn't know that
B'Elanna's feelings for my friend had begun back then.  You learn
new things every day.  

Looking back over the years, I myself have seen Janeway walk up
behind Tom while he was piloting Voyager and put her hand upon
his shoulder.  Sometimes she'd seem to go out of her way to do
so.  A touch, a reassuring squeeze--it seemed so innocent at the
time.  Maybe it was in a certain respect.  I'd like to think in
the heat of battle the Captain wasn't thinking about herself and
her desires, but of the crew and the ship.  I do believe when
faced with some alien ship threatening to blow us up, she is able
to detach herself.  But there have been times which weren't so
life and death, when she'd place her hand on Tom's shoulder and
she'd linger there longer than necessary.  Her eyes would cloud
over and she'd seem to be transported to another world, or
another time...

Another time...geesh! Tom told me about the holoprogram called
"Fantasy."  He even gave me the access code so I could check it
out if I wanted to confirm his story.  It wasn't that I doubted
him, but I just couldn't resist.  

I should have stayed away. 

I left Tom in his cabin to get some sleep about midnight and
headed to the holodeck.  I was surprised. "Fantasy" was already
in progress, but I entered the access code anyway and instructed
the computer to alter my appearance inside the program.  No one,
least of all Captain Janeway, would recognize that a blonde
bearded slave was Harry Kim.  

When the doors opened I saw the forest path Tom had told me
about.  I set off in a run towards my destination--the villa. 
Arriving, I saw the vineyards which bore an abundance of purple
grapes.  Many of the slaves were busy reaping the harvest and did
not see me near the building.  Tom had told me earlier he and
B'Elanna had gained access to the house via the portico, so I
skirted around the back.  Nearing the portico, I could hear
raised voices.

"FIND HIM!"  

"We're trying, my lady."

"I don't have time to wait!  Find him now, and bring him to me!"

"Yes, my lady."

There was no mistaking the lady's voice.  I'd heard the Captain
use the same tone when she had dealt with the Hirogen or the
Kazon.  She was determined and wasn't going to take no for an
answer.  Quickly I ducked behind one of the planters, probably
the same one Tom and B'Elanna had hid behind.  I know she
couldn't recognize me in my disguise, but I just felt safer this
way.  Peaking out over the top, camouflaged by the greenery, I
saw Janeway, or as Tom told me she referred to herself in the
program--Caterinia.  Her auburn hair was pinned back with large
golden barrettes and she was wearing a stark white toga which was
trimmed with a wide forest green border.  She looked beautiful,
powerful, and boy was she furious.

The servants scattered throughout the house and onto the grounds
looking for the missing man.  Hearing her sandals slap against
the stone floor, I could tell she was coming closer to my hiding
place.

Walking out into the portico, Janeway paused, wrapped her arms
around her body, she shut her eyes, and drew a deep cleansing
breath.  I could see the tension in her body simply from the way
she held her head and the how she drummed her fingers against her
upper arms.  She paced back and forth, walking and pausing...I
could see that she was impatient.

In the distance, I could hear the shuffling of feet coming in our
direction.  Soon several of the slaves bustled into the portico
area.  When they filled the area beside me, I slipped out from
behind the planter to stand with them.  From my position, I could
see that in the front of the group a couple very large male
slaves held a third man who had dark blond ruffled hair.  I knew
who that man was from the story Tom told that evening.  It was
Thomas, my friend's Roman holocharacter.  An exact duplicate,
except that Thomas' hair was longer.

"We found him, my lady, near the olive grove."

Janeway turned slowly.  The two men pushed Thomas forward sending
him sprawling at the Captain's feet.  Stepping back, the men
joined the other slaves.

"He was trying to escape," someone from the crowd explained.

The Captain examined Thomas coldly.

"Escape?" she asked, her voice dripped with ice.

He remained silent, still face down on the stone floor.

"Leave us," she ordered the group.  The slaves moved to leave the
portico.  "You three..." She pointed to myself and two large men. 
"You will stay, I may have need of your services."

I swallowed down my fear remembering that Janeway could not
recognize me in my holo-disguise.  Following the other two
slaves' example I stood, with my arms folded across my chest, on
the other side of the entrance into the main building.  Somehow I
didn't feel as opposing as I looked.

"Sit up, Thomas."  She nudged his shoulder with a sandaled foot.

Reluctantly, he pulled his feet under himself and sat back on his
heels.

Janeway looked down onto his fair head.

"Why were you leaving me, Thomas?  Don't you know that a runaway
slave can be put to death?"

Thomas' jaw clenched but he remained silent.

Dropping to one knee, Janeway grabbed a fistful of his hair and
pulled his head up to face her.

"I don't intend to ask you again, Thomas.  Answer me!" she
growled.

"What does it matter?" he spat.  "I was running away."

"Were you running to *her*?"

Thomas was silent.

"Are you foolish enough to think that you could find your
precious Elana without being captured?"

Thomas swallowed, but his blue eyes didn't waiver from her face.

"Weeks ago I sent Elana and Chacotus to Roma to pay their
respects to the new senator of this province.  I also left
instructions with some highly placed friends of mine, to keep
them occupied.  I don't think they'll return for a very, very
long time."

It sounded to me that the Captain had found a way to circumvent
Chakotay's programming.  Tom told me that Chakotay had altered
the original parameters to Fantasy.  This didn't hold well for
Thomas.

"I would have found her," he finally said through gritted teeth. 
"Nothing would have stopped me."

"Did you honestly think that a runaway slave could just walk into
Roma, into the home of a highly respected senator, without being
noticed?" Janeway/Caterinia, laughed.  The sound chilled my soul. 
"You can't believe that Elana could possibly still care for you? 
By now, she'll have had half of Roma coming to visit her,
showering her with gifts."  Caterinia examined her fingernails of
her free hand.  "I've even arranged it for Caesar's nephew to see
Elana.  Already reports have reached my ears they have been in
each other's *company*.  According to my sources, the walls at
the senator's home reverberate with their passions."  She took 
perverse pleasure relating this information to the slave.  I'm
sure she wished she had similar news to deliver to the real Tom
Paris.

Thomas tried to pull away from her, but she held his hair firm in
her clasp.

"Do you doubt me, slave?"

He ignored the question.  

"I *asked* you a question!"

His eyes flashed with anger.  "She'd never do that!  She loves
me!" 

"Elana just said she loved you so you would bed her.  Come back
to me, Thomas.  My bed is cold, and I crave the feel of your
flesh next to mine.  Take me to the heights of pleasure like you
once did.  With Chacotus away along with Elana, we won't be
interrupted."

With one hand, Thomas loosened his her grip and pulled away.  "I
won't do that.  I promised myself to Elana."

Janeway took a step closer.  "But I told you what she was doing
in Roma.  And when Caesar's nephew isn't available, I'm told
she's been busy taking half of the Roman citizens to her bed
chamber.  They say that she's insatiable."

The young slave rose to his feet.  "YOU LIE!  You were in Roma
not long ago.  I think you are talking about yourself, not my
El..."

Lightning quick, Caterinia struck.  Bringing her hand up in a
wide arc, she struck Thomas against the side of his face leaving
a bright red mark.  He staggered backwards from the force of the
impact.

"Bring me the whip," Caterinia ground out.  She didn't take her
steely eyes off Thomas.  "I'll teach you to disobey," she vowed.

I could hardly believe that this was the Captain!  It was like a
different person.  She was cold and calculating...she'd never...
never... then I stopped, I remembered Noah.  He'd told me of how
the Captain had threatened him, of how Chakotay had to come to
his defense.  Noah had been certain if the Commander hadn't
rescued him, that he'd not have made it out of the interrogation
cabin alive.  Janeway had been diabolical, her sole purpose was
to get Noah to reveal information...and he firmly believed that
she would have stopped at nothing to obtain her goal.

Caterinia gripped the hilt of the whip tightly in her right hand,
and gathered the rest of its length into her left.  She tugged on
the leather while looking at her victim.  Thomas stood tall,
looking at her out of the corner of his eye.  She nodded to me
and the other two slaves who moved toward Thomas.  The other two
each grabbed hold of one of Thomas' arms.  

This was too much!  Damn, I didn't want to be found out, but even
here with only a holocharacter of Tom before me I found myself
wanting to protect my friend.

"STOP!!!" I screamed.

Caterinia, her arm poised to swing the whip, snapped her head
around to look at me.  

"This man's in love," I continued in earnest.  "His only crime is
wanting to be with Elana."

"What's your name, slave?"

Steadfastly I met her gaze and thinking fast I blurted out.  "I'm
called Marcus," the first Roman sounding name I could think of.

"Who are you to question me?"

"I'm but one of your slaves, my lady.  But a slave that cannot
remain silent.  What right do you have to treat this man this
way?"

Janeway muttered something about Chakotay beneath her breath. 
While I couldn't hear all her words, I could tell that she
suspected that Voyager's First Officer had tampered with
"Fantasy" again.  I prayed that she wouldn't terminate the
program, for she would find that I was the one questioning her
actions.

"This man," she replied pointing to Thomas, "left me for another. 
I was the one that bought him from a master that didn't
appreciate his skills.  I loved him.  I gave myself to him like I
have no other, not even to the master of this house!  And what
does *he* do?  He forsakes me for my husband's niece!"

I took a step closer to her.  "Thomas loves Elana."

"He *owes* me!"  Her voice was ice-laden and dangerous.

"He owes you his loyalty and his respect, but he doesn't owe you
his love.  Love speaks from the heart, and the heart has a mind
of its own."

Janeway glared at me.  Uncharacteristically, she was at a loss
for words.  She looked from me, to the other slaves and finally
down to Thomas.  Throwing down the whip she quickly exited the
program.  I breathed a huge sigh of relief that she didn't decide
the terminate the program before the left the holodeck.  

* * * * *

Standing here in my quiet cabin, I look at my reflection in the
viewport.   A lot of things have changed over the years.  I've
grown.  I've become more aware of the universe around me since I
first stepped foot on Voyager.  Things I used to take for
granted, I no longer do.  This is one of them.  I used to see
everything on Voyager in black and white and not unlike the
Captain Proton holoprogram.  I've discovered that people aren't
always as they seem to be.  

Tom Paris had once been thought to be a low life, incapable of
serving the ship like a proper Starfleet officer.  When he first
came onboard Voyager, many people on the ship didn't trust him. 
They steered clear of him like he was bitten by a Sylverian virus
viper.  There have been other people over the years that I have
misjudged, Seska, Suder, and that guy down in the cargo bay I
found out really wasn't a guy at all--that was a shock!  

Through it all, I never thought that I'd be saying the same of
the Captain.  Perhaps I placed her on a pedestal?  We are suppose
to respect our superior officers--and I do.  But maybe this time
away from the Alpha Quadrant has been too much on her.  It would
have broken many people, many experienced Starfleet officers. 
Look at Ransom, he changed.  He let the trials and challenges of
the Delta Quadrant undermine his integrity.  

I can't blame the Captain for wanting to have someone in her
life.  Someone to turn to, someone to hold.  We all need someone. 
I thought I had found that someone in Tal. I'm glad that Tom
found B'Elanna.  We all should be as happy and they are.  

Smiling fondly and turned away from my viewport and padded back
to my bed.  Today was my friends' wedding day.  I needed my
sleep.  I'd think more about what the past several hours held
later.  This time was for Tom and for B'Elanna.  I owed it to
them to be alert.  A yawning best man was not a good omen for the
marriage.

The End.

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